Thank yous!

I made it through my heart CT Scan, (aka angiogram), and now I'm waiting for the results. This part sucks just as much, maybe more, than actually having the test. The stress of this, (that I'm managing to control as much as possible), combined with the fact I've managed to catch a NASTY cold... vaporizor, Advil, SudaCare Vapor Plug-ins, Vitamin C, and lots of fluids, made for a drag of a weekend. However, there was the all important and delicious homemade turkey chili that a friend made me... a tiny bit on the spicy side... to help with my nasal congestion. For this I must THANK YOU, "S!"

I also wanted to post this blog to say a big THANK YOU to my friend / coworker Rob S. Rob knew of my aprehension about going for my CT Scan alone, and offered to take me! I was shocked to say the least, and almost couldn't accept his offer... but I did. I knew that having him with me would help... he'd make me laugh on the drive, and knowing he was "there" would help too. He didn't come in with me, but I did do a quick pose in my hospital gown. ha! In retrospect, I should have asked him to come in while I had the procedure... he probably would have found it to be interesting... given he's an EMT / Firefighter. But... I braved that part alone while Rob sat in the waiting room. Afterwards, we drove through one of our favorite places... TACO BELL! Yum... Even in my dizziness, I appreciated this and couldn't wait to get home and into bed so I could rest, sleep, but first and foremost, eat something! Fasting isn't easy!

Thank you again, Rob... you made something that stresses me out MUCH less stressful! You showed me, "that's what friends are for!" And, as I'm sure you know, I'd do the same for you.

FAITH is what I need

What exactly IS faith? How do I go about incorporating Faith into my life, when it's something I really don't have much, if any of, at all? Most importantly, where do I find it?? Is finding a church to attend really the answer? I've considered myself to be more spiritual than religious, and I'm not sure where I stand with the whole "organized religion" thing... so I'm not sure what to do! Last night, my friend Duane, said some interesting things that I'm pondering... about Faith of course. "Lack of faith is a soul crushing thing, it makes you shoulder everything alone, and you don't have to." That really hit me... since it's true, I do feel as though I "shoulder everything alone."

So... how do I find the Faith that I'm not alone, and that I am going the route of "God's plan?" How do accept this, especially if IT'S NOT THE PLAN I HAVE FOR MYSELF!!!!??

I have to go have a Heart Scan today (CT Scan), and I've "worked myself into a tizzy" over going. Not just going, but going alone. This scan has a lot of importance, and is likely to tell my Cardiologist if I will have to have yet another (3rd) open heart surgery, for something different than the other two of 5 1/2 yrs. ago. The scan will take a look at those repairs as well... so there's many things up in the air, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it! I just know that I'm scared, and I cannot even begin to conceptualize having another surgery... I JUST CAN'T DO IT! And the discomfort of the CT Scan scares me as well... afraid that something will go wrong.

Disappointment...

... hurts. That's all I can say right now.

Alcoholism and Relationships

Is it possible to have a healthy, happy relationship with an "actively drinking" alcoholic? What if one of you doesn't drink at all... does this make a difference? Is the relationship doomed either way? What if the alcoholic stops drinking? With effort on the part of both people, can the relationship be saved / reconciled?

These are questions I have been asking myself lately, and don't expect or necessarily want answers to... just ponderings.

After the turn of the New Year, I've realized, again, just how short life is, and how things in my life have changed me... what / who I miss... what I'd like to have again; what I wouldn't... what's important; what's not... who's important to me; who isn't, etc.

As I think about such things, I can't help remembering that alcoholism (red wine was his drink of choice) stole who I feel may have been the love of my life from me in 2004... I had to walk away from him, from us. As a non-drinker, this really angers and hurts me, and I don't understand it... how can wine be more important than anything / anyone else in your life? How can losing the person that loves you, the person that you love, not be enough to stop drinking??

Now, after a year and a half, MAYBE (that's a big maybe) that was enough time... (I recently found out that the beginning of "no more drinking" has started). Whether it lasts or not is an entirely different story, however... this I know. Let's just say, I can't hold my breath. This leads to another question / pondering... is hope just prolonging disappointment?

"Life Boot Camp"

"Life boot camp," is what my Uncle calls what he is currently going through... also known as, an EXTREMELY nasty divorce, due to a completely crazed and lost-her-freakin'-mind-soon-to-be ex-wife.

How does someone who once loved you, who made meaninful vows to you on your wedding day, who you lived with for years and years, who you slept next to at night... become so unbelievably, inconceivably vengeful, deceitful, and want to do everything they can to "ruin" you when the time comes to get a divorce? Especially when neither of you have been happy for years prior, you both knew it was coming... but neither would make the first move. Then, someone does... in this case, my Uncle...and WHAMO... she loses her fucking mind!

"I'm going to ruin your life. And, I'm never leaving this fucking house." I believe this is exactly what she told him. Well, I have to hand it to her... she sure wasn't bluffing.

This crazy woman I once called my Aunt D%$#*&, apparently has the mind of a criminal. Who knew?? The things she is doing and has pulled during what should have been a relatively "easy" divorce, is beyond what my mind can even wrap itself around.

Do you ever really KNOW someone? When / how do you know if someone has the potential of causing monumental havok and devastation in your life if they are faced with something they don't like, don't approve of... something that they don't want?

I wish my Uncle the best during this "Life Boot Camp" he said he is going through. I know that he is a better person than she, and will not stoop to the games and deceipt that she is living daily. She will get hers... if not in Court, in Karma.

Fuck you Aunt D%$#*&... Uncle "C" will be just fine. You will NOT "ruin him"... maybe right now you are screwing up everything for him, but it's just temporary. You know you are a liar, and a criminal, and a psycho to boot. Time will tell...

Blog-Blocked!

Argh! I hope to write something ORIGINAL again soon. I think my creative juices (and any motivation to express myself) have dried up... hopefully not for good. I think it's a result of... BOREDOM and general BLAHNESS!

What Does my Birthday Mean? (For fun...)

The Keys to my Heart, and general information... INTERESTING, and mostly TRUE! (What I find to be accurate, or mostly accurate, is in bold.)

The Keys to Your Heart - July 22

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. (Does not always apply.)
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. (Most of the time I am.)
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. (If all of these things were ongoing...)
Your ideal relationship is lasting.
You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero.
You care about society and morality.
You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. (If I ever get married.)
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

AND...

While sometimes employing unorthodox approaches, you are capable of handling large scale undertakings.
You assume great responsibility and work long and hard toward completion.
Often, especially in the early part of life, there is rigidity or stubbornness, and a tendency to repress feelings.
Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma.
An extremely capable organizer, but likely to paint with broad strokes rather than detail.
You are very aware and intuitive.
You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension.